You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mom said you looked used
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
