yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
