When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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