it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
