I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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