All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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