Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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