I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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