the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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