OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
