im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
