i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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