WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
