i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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