I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
