New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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