Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
