if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
