I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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