Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
