Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
don't judge my taste in strippers
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
