I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
