I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
