I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
