The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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