I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize