I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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