I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
