the condom got lost in my hair
he shaved USA in his pubs
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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