It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
