I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
