I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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