You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
