Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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