your parents love me but you hate me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
