dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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