Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
