I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
