whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
