Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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