yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
