And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
