I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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