I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
