when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
