The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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