Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What a dumb baby whore.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
