you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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