The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
