I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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