Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
