I am puke
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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