Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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