Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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