I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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