the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
