You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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