Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
