This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
