I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
