arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
