The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
