Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
