Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
