'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
