Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
A bitchslap is in order.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
